1:53 PM
Mr. B-G
“Come on you two get up, we have to leave soon so we can make it to the airport on time!” “Alright we’ll be down for breakfast in a few minutes,” said Sara and Justin. “I’m so excited it’s finally time for us to go on vacation to
“Hey can you pass me some Poptarts,” said Sara’s dad? Everyone barely ate breakfast, because they were so excited about flying for the first time.
After about 3 and ½ hours they arrived at the airport. They got all their bags checked through the tight security, because of the September 11 attack. “Hello, may I see your passport,” said the plump lady in a blue uniform. Everyone gave the lady their passports and got on the plane. “Welcome please take your seats we’ll be leaving very shortly,” said the pilot.” “I don’t want the window seat,” said Justin. “I’m afraid of heights.” “I’m going to take a nap, because I couldn’t sleep last night,” said the twin’s dad. The plane took off and a movie came on which kept the twins entertained. “I always wanted to see the movie National Treasure,” said Sara.
During the movie Justin noticed that the man sitting across from him kept looking at him frequently. So Justin quickly looked at the man and the man smiled at him. Justin smiled back and didn’t look at the man for a while. The plane finally arrived in
“Let’s tell the airport security,” Billy said. Billy (the twin’s father) told the security guys and the looked on the cameras. Justin was nowhere to be found. After about 2 hours of questions and searching family decided to go to the hotel and let the police and security look for Justin. “I really hope Justin is okay,” said the twin’s mom as she and Sara began to cry.
The man had blind folded, duct tape Justin’s hand, and put a gag in his mouth. Justin was being pushed by the man and before he new it he was in a tiny room. Then the man took Justin’s blind fold off. “Hey you’re the man that smiled at me on the plane,” said Justin. “Shut up, unless you want the gag on again,” said the man. Justin didn’t say anything for the moment. Instead he observed everything around him. Just in case he was saved and the man got away. He could tell the police that the man was about 6 feet tall, had blue eyes, black hair, and was wearing a tuxedo. The man left the room and Justin was alone. There was a telephone on the dresser, but the man had destroyed it completely. Justin noticed a little card on the floor. He picked it up and it said CLAIR”S HOTEL. Well Justin was in a hotel. He wished he had listened to his parents and had stuck with his parents. He had to find a way to get the duct tape off, and a way to leave the room.
“Were here, at the hotel,” said the twin’s dad. “Great lets do something to get our minds off Justin for a little bit,” said Sara. Sara’s parents talked to a guy who was at the front desk. They got a card for room 674. They walked down the hallway on the first floor; they wanted to stay on the first floor for Justin’s sake since he was so afraid of heights. As they walked down the narrow hallway Sara read all the numbers on the door, as they increased. “That red color on all the doors is very pretty,” said the twin’s mom. Billy opened the door with the small green card key. Their straight faces suddenly changed to a huge O. It was Justin in their hotel room.
“Justin,” everyone screamed! Justin had stopped trying to take the tape off of his hands and started to cry. He was so happy to see his family. “Oh Justin, I thought we’d never see you again,” said Justin’s mom. “Quick mom no time to chat, get the tape off me as quickly as you can,” Justin said vigorously. “The man that kidnapped me could be back any minute, who knows if he has a weapon.” Justin’s mom and dad quickly took off the tape as Sara watched. The told the man at the front desk to call the police immediately. He called the police, and they arrived within 7 minutes. The police went and hid in the room waiting for the man to come back. The Newman family stayed in room number 401 for the time being. Sure enough the man came back after about 35minutes. The man opened the door and a police officer shouted “Freeze”! The man didn’t freeze but ran. The police were to fast and caught the man.
The Newman’s family vacation was great for the rest of the two weeks. They visited castles and saw the Cliffs of Moher. During the end of the first week the family got a phone call to go to the police station for some questions, after that they were never bothered again by the police or the man. From that day on Justin always listened to his parents, he figured they knew what was best for him.
9 comments:
John:
Wow!!! As always you have done a fabulous job!! I cracked up reading the parts that were so much a part of our trip to Ireland! (From the movie, to the poptarts,the tight security,where we stayed and what we saw) Your description of things in general is perfect!
Keep up the good work!
Love you! x0x0x ~Mom~
Right away, I saw that you had grammar mistakes. You need to start a new paragraph when you use dialogue, or when someone else speaks. Also, wouldn’t the parents care more about losing their son? Then they did care a lot about him. It just doesn’t add up. There were a few mistakes, mostly grammar and spelling.
I liked your story a lot, but I think it would be better if it were longer. I also liked that it was set in Ireland, because I’m Irish, and I want to go there. My favorite lines were, “He could tell the police that the man was about 6 feet tall, had blue eyes, black hair, and was wearing a tuxedo.” It stood out to me because that’s exactly what I would do if I was in that situation. Many people would be too scared and wouldn’t think of it. I think your story’s great, but to make it better, you’d have to elaborate and fix a few mistakes.
John,
I enjoyed your story very much and the valuable lesson all children should learn . . . "Listen to your parents!" Nice job!
Giannina
(your Mom's CT friend)
These mystery/horror stories are always fun to read. You did well, John. It was like I was there with the Newmans from the point they were in the car from when they found Justin in the hotel room. Other than turning a new leaf and listening to his parents at the end of the story, Justin doesn't really grow that much, makes it easier to follow the story for me.
Every part of the story was good; I didn't really have a favorite part, though. You did very well with the settings of the story; it wasn't confusing every time you change the setting, which was around five times. I did the exact same thing, so don't take this too seriously, but check your grammar, as you also forgot to start a new paragraph when there's a change of dialogue.
i really enjoyed reading your story. i thought it well thought out and well written. your story made me think what if that happened to me? i mean thats just scary. the main charcter did change.he changed from not listening to his parents a lot to doing everything they told him to do. he realized that his parents know best.
my favorite part of the story is the beginning when they talk about pop tarts. i actually got up and went to get myself a poptart. i just love them they are delicious.
the best quality of your wiritng would have to be description. i liked how you described a few things in your story. i could really visualize the events going on. i dnt have any advice onyour story, good job!
John,
That was a good story. It made me think of how kids can be so careless about their safety. The main character changes over the course of the story because in the beginning Justin ran off to the sports store without his parents and he got kidnapped. In the end he learned that he should listen to his parents and that they know what is best for him.
My favorite part of the story was in the end where you described what they did on their vacation after the kidnapping. "They visited castles and saw the Cliffs of Moher."I liked how the family could get past the disappearance of Justin. The best part of the story was the conflict because that type of situation happens to people all of the time. It made the story more realistic than it already was. Next time I think that you should look at your grammer and how you worded some sentences. Great Job!
John,
Great job on your story. I really liked how you used some of your own experinces in your story. I'm glad that Justin was found at the end, and he definately changed throughout the story, because he was lost, and now knows to stay with his family. overall, I don't have many suggestions, but, when dioluge starts, you need to start a new paragraph. Ohter than that your story was awesome.
I liked how it jumped right into the action. You didn't waist any time with the introduction, yet all the essential information such as setting was given. I also liked how descriptive it was. There were lits of adjictives.
The main character definitly changes by the end of the story. He learns to do as his parents well him and not follow his emediate impulses. If he did not change, then the moral of the story would not be clear. My favorite part of the story was the exposition because it jumped right into things. "Come on you two get up, we have to leave soon so we can make it to the airport on time!” is a good example. I think the best aspect of the story is how descriptive it is and how it follows things step by step. For advice on future stories, i would say to check spelling, grammer, etc and edit it over to make sure there aren't any funny sounding sentences. I might also make it more realistic (The family is trying to destract themselves from the dissapearence of one of their children only days after he is lost. They find him in the same hotel as the one they are staying in. (although i do know for a fact that they show national treasure on planes)).
that was a splendid story. You jumped straight into the rising action, which was great since it grabbed the reader's attention right away. There were a few grammar mistakes, but who doesn't make 'em? I was enthralled throughout our story and i found it very exciting. My favorite part was the exposition, it was really descriptive.
Verry nice. /,,/-_-/,,/
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