It was late afternoon, and sunlight spilled onto Ellia’s face. She was 24 years old, with somewhat tanned skin. Her eyes were blue like the sea, and she had long wavy blonde hair. It was Sunday, and only thirteen hours had passed since her brother, Ned, had died. She hadn’t been able to get a full night of sleep before something interrupted her from her temporary disconnection to her troubled life.
It sounded like air rushing quickly out of something. Next there was a gross smell, and Ellia knew something was wrong. She quickly got up and followed the quiet breezy sound. Down the hall and in her bed she found a small metal sphere with gas coming out! She quickly grabbed it, the cold metal freezing her hands. Ellia turned and threw it out her window, not caring that she didn’t open it. Glass bits shattered everywhere and as soon as it touched the ground there was a small explosion, killing some of her beautiful daises surrounding this mysterious sphere.
Something was very strange. Her brother, Ned, had just died, and the doctors thought it was suicide. All she could think of was that Ned had recently been to his best friend’s party. His girlfriend Nelly had gone with him, who recently just got out of a serious relationship. Nelly was really pretty, with green eyes and gorgeous long black hair. But just hours after her brother had died, someone was trying to kill her?
“What…just…happened? I need to call Trevor!” Ellia exclaimed.
~*~
“What took you so long?!” Ellia got really nervous, wondering what might happen next.
“It’s okay, I’m here. I came as fast as I could. I thought you might be worried so I stopped and bought you these.” Trevor smiled as he handed her a gorgeous bouquet of flowers, making sure there were daises in it, her favorite flower.
“Thank you, but now’s not the time. I think, but this is just a thought, that someone is out to kill me. My brother just died, and the doctors said it was a suicide, but my brother would never do that. And now, someone is trying to bug my apartment? Is it just me or is something suspicious?” Ellia was really starting to get worried.
“Shhh,” Trevor hugged her to calm her down,” I really think your getting paranoid here. Your brother just died, and you’re obviously having a hard time. Let’s go inside.”
So, Trevor and Ellia slowly shuffled their way in the girl’s apartment, not knowing what was happening just a few feet away.
“Aww, how sweet,” Magda said in a mocking tone, “they’re in love. Shasta, get my stuff!”
Magda is a Swedish spy, a mean cold-hearted killer. She was not someone you wanted to mess with, seeing after he husband’s death, she gave no mercy. Shasta was her partner in crime for many years whose loyalty made up for his lack of brains.
“Here’s your…” Shasta couldn’t even finish his sentence before Magda snatched the gun away from his grasp.
“Give me this! I don’t have all day.” Magda held her ice cold scope with pride, peering through the window of the apartment. Any minute now, she was so close, a bullet away from $750,000.
~*~
“Ellia,” Trevor said, “ I’m going to keep watch, make sure everything is alright out there. Don’t worry.” Trevor didn’t want to admit to it, but he was worried something would happen to the love of his life.
“I’m going to try and get some sleep.” Yawned Ellia.
“Okay, I’m here if you need me.” Said Trevor.
~*~
“Quick get up! I heard something outside, like shooting, and now it sounds like whatever was out there, is in here! Let’s go!” Trevor yelled.
“Let me just…” Ellia complained sleepily.
“No time!” Trevor grabbed her and they ran out.
The hallway was half lit and eerie looking. Ellia kept hearing noises and looked behind her, but all she saw was a shadow. She sped up her pace, and soon they were out side in the parking lot.
“Pink! Tick! Bonk!” Gun bullets were flying everywhere now. Some dangerously close to hitting her and Trevor. Dodging them, they quickly progressed closer to the car.
“Hop in!” said Trevor, frantically opening the door. He quickly ignited the ignition, and they sped off.
“That was too close.” said Ellia. She waited a bit to catch her breath, “So where are we going?”
“To the scene of the crime, your brother’s house. We need to look for clues.” Trevor panted.
~*~
When they got to her brother’s house, Ellia almost teared up. Memories swept over her, and it still hadn’t hit Ellia that Ned was no longer with her.
Trevor reached for the brass doorknob, and turned it quickly, embracing for something bad to happen. They walked in, but stayed together. Ellia was squeezing Trevor hands so hard, he thought it would fall off. He didn’t want to admit he was scared, to keep Ellia less freaked out. They slowly made their way upstairs and into her brother’s bedroom. Ellia paced up to the bed, and something caught her eye. It was a single strand of hair on one of the pillows. It was long and black, which was a major clue. Ned’s girlfriend, Nelly, had long black hair. She lifted up the covers and found some dried up blood spattered on the crisp white sheets. Ellia gasped and turned to cry on Trevor’s shoulder.
“How could she? I trusted her!” Ellia wailed.
“How do we know it was her? She moved in not to long ago, she sleeps here,” Trevor said, “Let’s keep looking.”
Ellia sniffled around the house, desperately looking for anything that could be a clue. She nearly gave up her hope until she came upon something that changed her mind about Nelly. A couple blood drops made a ten-foot trail that led behind Ned’s couch. Ellia tugged Trevor along as they both peered over the edge of the couch and she screamed. A body was lying down limp with a slit throat and a pool of blood surrounded him.
It didn’t take Ellia long to realize it was Ned’s best friend, Toby. Ellia put the puzzle together in a matter of seconds.
“Toby was mad at Ned for stealing his ex-girlfriend Nelly. He must have found out at the party when Ned introduced them or something. Toby must have realized that’s why Nelly left him. So the next day, he must’ve hid in the bushes, waiting for Nelly to leave. Then he broke into the house and went to Ned’s bedroom, where he must’ve been sleeping in. He cut Ned’s wrists, to make it look suicidal, until he bled to death in his own bed. Toby left him there and must’ve just gone mad. He cut his own wrists and walked behind the couch at the same time. Then he jumped behind the couch to hide, and slit his throat.” Ellia concluded
“Wow.” Trevor was impressed about how quickly his girlfriend could put things together.
“Is that a siren I hear?” asked Ellia.
The couple couldn’t believe what they saw when they looked out the window. Two people with guns and explosives out side getting handcuffed. They both ran outside in amazement.
“These people were on the top ten list of America’s Most Wanted. They were hired to kill you.” a cop said to Ellia.
“Well that’s what was happening to me. I knew I wasn’t crazy. Thank you so much officer. But why kill us?” Ellia said gratefully.
“I heard the lady say something about someone named Toby? Oh, and don’t thank me, thank your neighbor. She called reporting a bloodcurdling scream and saw strangers with weird devices outside. It’s our job to check it out.” the cop replied.
“This Toby was really paranoid.” Said Trevor.
“Oh, the scream was regarding something else. I think you need to check it out.” Ellia said as she led the cop inside.
~*~
After explaining the same story to the cop that she did to Trevor, he called in for back-up to check the house to make sure nothing else was wrong and took in Toby for further investigation.
“We’ll be sending a story to the F.B.I in case they need you for any future jobs. You did amazing work here. Keep it up, and stay out of trouble.” the cop said as Trevor and Ellia left Ned’s house.
Ellia didn’t even reply, she was so happy. No one was out to kill her anymore, her brother’s death was solved, and she and Trevor were alive. But Trevor was happy for something else.
Trevor knelt down on one knee, and Ellia thought he was tying his shoe. But then he stared talking to her and she caught on. After a minute of a lot of talking he popped the big question.
“Ellia, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?”
“Yes!” Ellia cried.
The newly engaged couple kissed under the twinkling stars and everything was finally the way Ellia wanted it to be.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Suicidal Sunday by Kaitlyn B.
1:43 PM
Mr. B-G
9 comments:
What a great title. It really caught my eye, and I’m surprised that no one has commented on your story yet. I have a question though. Wouldn’t Ellia be more freaked out if someone was trying to kill her? I don’t think there was enough drama there or at all in the story. Plus, her brother just died. Wouldn’t there be someone already at the house with her to try to make her feel better? I saw a few mistakes. They were mostly commas and grammar. Why were the killers trying to kill Ellia? If the cops found her brother’s body, which they obviously did since his body was gone, wouldn’t they have seen his friend’s body too? There are too many loose ends in your story, but I know it’s yough to write a mystery story, especially one with murder. The main characters didn’t so anything. Why would they be called by the FBI for a job?
I liked the ending, but it seemed so soon. If someone in my family just died less than a day before, I wouldn’t be able to stay so calm and collected. And I definitely wouldn’t say yes if someone, no matter how much I loved them, asked me to marry them. My favorite line was, “The newly engaged couple kissed under the twinkling stars…” I also thought that you described the main character pretty well in the exposition.
Kaitlyn, that was awesome. I was a little confused at first but then it made more sense to me.
The Ellia doesn't change much through out the whole story, she is kind of sad but she's still clever. My favorite part of the story was when she solves the case. " Toby was mad at Ned for stealing his ex-girlfriend Nelly. He must have found out at the party when Ned introduced them or something. Toby must have realized that’s why Nelly left him. So the next day, he must’ve hid in the bushes, waiting for Nelly to leave. Then he broke into the house and went to Ned’s bedroom, where he must’ve been sleeping in. He cut Ned’s wrists, to make it look suicidal, until he bled to death in his own bed. Toby left him there and must’ve just gone mad. He cut his own wrists and walked behind the couch at the same time. Then he jumped behind the couch to hide, and slit his throat.” Ellia concluded". I liked the detail you used, i also liked your character's names. I always find it hard to think of good names for people in my story. Good job!
Kaitlyn, your story was really good. It made me think of CSI or something like that. I like how Ellia changed throughout the story. She solved the murder and I love how it ended. I liked the introduction. It set the right mood for the rest of the story, "She hadn’t been able to get a full night of sleep before something interrupted her from her temporary disconnection to her troubled life."
The best part was the plot. It was a good stroy line and used it to your advantage at the end. One question. Where did that whole explanation come from about how they died?? It was just out of nowhere and she started rambling about how they died. She must see the past or something to know all that just from seeing the bodies. And, next time, I would try using some better word choice. But all in all, it was a really good story. Good job!!
kb! :]
That was a wicked good story! I was a little confused in the middle with the hit woman, but it made a little more sense in the end. I don't think Ellia changed much through the story since she was mourning her brother. I loved the ending because it was a happy ending to a very sad story. I think the story's best quality was its plot because you had all of the qualities of a good plot. For next time, I would just suggest to improve your word choice. Good job!
KAITIE B! Nice story girl. It left me thinking of how when one thing goes wrong, many more will too, but things can end up all right in the end. I liked that there were so many twists to your story, and I could never guess what was going to happen. The main character does change from being innocent and not knowing anything to figuring out the murder of her brother and the reason people were trying to kill her.
My favorite part was when they were in Ned’s house and were finding clues to figure out who killed her brother. “A body was lying down limp with a slit throat and a pool of blood surrounded him.” This line gave me a really good visual which was kind of creepy, but well-written.
I think the tale’s best quality was the level of mystery and intensity. After every line I wanted to know what happened next. My advice for you is to clarify the idea of the story in the beginning because I didn’t understand right away.
Amazing job and great story !
What a great title.Some of the mistakes I saw were mostly commas and grammar.It was a good story, but it had too many possible endings. The police should have seen the friends body, and she was too calm. I like how the main character changed. My favorite line was “A body was lying down limp with a slit throat and a pool of blood surrounded him,” I could really picture it.
Kaitlyn,
Good job on your story. It made me think about some of the crime shows that I watch since they can figure out crimes fast too. It was very original. I think that the main character changes over the course of the story because in the beginning she is very distraught over her brothers death. She wasn't thinking so clearly and when she went back to his place she opened her mind enough to solve the mystery of his death.
My favorite part of the story was in the falling action. The reason is because I liked how Ellia was putting all of the pieces of the puzzle together. "It didn’t take Ellia long to realize it was Ned’s best friend, Toby. Ellia put the puzzle together in a matter of seconds." The best part of the story was the overall plot because I liked how it was different from most of the other stories. Your story also had different topics in it as well. It had mystery, action, and love. Next time I suggest that you be more specific about the surroundings of the characters. Fantastic job!
I thought you had a great title. I was confused when reading this story. It made me think of a cold case type of story. Your character went through a change, and in the end she valued her life a lot more. My favorite part of the story was the ending, when Ellia survives. The best quality is the detail put into the story. My advice is to try and make the story more clear.
Hey Kaitlyn,
This was one great story. I felt I was right there in the story the whole time I was in it. I don't really think Ellia changed that much in the story, she pretty much had the same attitude the whole time. I think my favorite part was the ending. Everything just got wrapped up in the end. It was a great way to finally end it.
The best quality of this story would have to be the whole plot together. Everything just flowed really well I thought. I didn't have any problems reading it. My advice to you is, I know a lot of people are saying this, better word choice. With better word choice your story would not just be great but fantastic.
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