Thursday, January 31, 2008

In the blink of an eye by Jessica M.


It was dark. Jamie could barely see her hand in front of her face. Her two friends, Caleb and Allison, were right behind her following her every move on the old fallen leafs covering the forest floor. The moon there only source of light, shining though the naked trees guiding them to their camp site. They had been planning this trip for months now and they finally got the chance to do so. In just a few months they all would be leaving to different colleges. Starting their lives, and leaving each other.

It was around ten at night and they still hadn’t arrived at their camp site. Finally Jamie saw a burning amber fire in the distance. Jamie, Caleb, and Allison looked at each other with a sigh of relief. Their backs seemed as if they were broken from carrying the camping supplies. “Does anyone know how to set up a tent?” Allison asked sarcastically. Caleb threw his backpack onto the dirt ground and started trying to build a tent, in an attempt to prove his manliness to Allison and Jamie. They just laughed and started to set up camp. The darkness made it nearly impossible to see everything. All they had was the bright shadows flickering on the tent fabric from the small fire in the middle of the camp site. They had finished setting up camp and all three of them laid by the fire talking about their new lives and how wonderful they were going to be. They apparently had no idea what was soon to come that cold dark night alone in the woods.

Jamie woke to the sound of screaming. She ran out to see Caleb was jumping out of his tent, also awakened by the blood curdling scream. They ran to Allison’s tent to notice the tent’s front zipper was opened. She stopped and she stared into Caleb’s eyes. They knew something was terribly wrong. Caleb reached out to open the tent. His hands were shaking and shivers running across his skin as he slowly opened the tent. Caleb looked at Jamie as a tiny tear ran down her pale face. Blood stained the tent walls. Tares in the tent’s fabric were lined in bright red showing a sign of desperate struggle, trying to get free from whatever was trying to attack. Allison was gone and Jamie and Caleb were left crying alone at the dark camp site, knowing there was a murderer right beyond those woods.

Jamie stood, not moving an inch, staring into the tent. Caleb noticed a trail of blood leading into the woods behind them. It was now almost dawn and the light shined through the trees from above. The blood from the tent showed more clearly in daylight leading into the woods. Caleb grabbed Jamie’s arm and they slowly crept into the woods. Fear filled their hearts which were now aching from the terrible sight they had seen. Each step forward seemed impossible for Jamie. Her legs were stiff and unable to work. Her body achy and filled with fear and shock like nothing she had ever felt before. Caleb, holding Jamie up from falling to the cold forest floor, suddenly stopped. Jamie picked up her head and noticed the blood had stopped right in front of their feet. The trail seemed to vanish out of nowhere. Jamie propped herself up and looked around the area. Caleb had gone behind the trees ahead to find out anything clues he could to find Allison. Jamie saw Caleb in the distance bent over, shuffling around the ground. She started to walk over when Caleb rushed toward her, stopping her from moving forward. He’s eyes looked scared and frightened as if he knew what had happened to Allison. Jamie pushed him away and she looked at his face. Out of the corner of her eye she noticed a slight stain of blood on his old flannel shirt. Jamie’s heart started beating faster and faster. Her face now ghost white. Thoughts filled her mind. “Did Caleb do this”, ran though out her head. Jamie turned around again to face Caleb, but he was gone. Jamie started to panic. She stood turning around in circles in the middle of this forest not knowing what to do. It was getting dark and Jamie was left alone with a killer.

All of a sudden the sun had disappeared behind the earth. Jamie, confused and scared, wandered around trying to find a way out of the woods. It was dark and cold. Different sounds surrounded Jamie, frightening her with every step she took. She stopped to try to see where she had walked to when all of a sudden she could hear the distant sound of footsteps on the dried leafs covering the floor of the dark forest. She didn’t move. Trying to hold in her breath, she tried not to make one sound. All of a sudden Jamie felt cold hands grasping around her fragile neck. Jamie struggled to free herself from the man. She quickly twisted around to break free, and there she was, face to face, with the murderer, Caleb. He’s eyes bright red with anger and craziness. Jamie grabbed his arms and bit down on his hand. Caleb released her and Jamie ran away as far as she could until she could hear him right behind her. Breathing heavy with rage he jumped for her and gripped onto her ankle. Jamie forcefully fell to the ground. She grabbed a fallen branch from the dirt and thrusted Caleb off her back. She rolled over and stabbed him in the chest with the branch. Blood ran though his shirt and onto his hands. She stumbled backwards onto her feet. She stared at Caleb struggling to breathe. Jamie just turned around and ran as fast as she could.

Dark and confused Jamie struggled to keep herself from falling. Her muscles seemed to stop working. Her mind was running wild, filling with the fear of Caleb right behind her, chasing her with determination and anger. Jamie started to feel a hot breath on the crease of her neck. She turned around to see nothing was there, just thousands of trees and a world that seemed only full of darkness. Steams of tears ran down her face, but yet she knew she had survived a friend, a murderer. The one that promised her that Allison, him, and herself would be friends forever no matter what. It’s amazing how in a blink of an eye everything can change.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Jess, I really liked your story. It was so suspenseful, and I never knew what was going to happen next. It was really creative, and was fun to read.
I think that the main character does change. Jamie went on the camping trip with her two best friends, and left knowing that both were dead, and one was a murderer.
My favorite part of the story is in the falling action, when Jamie realizes that Caleb is the murderer. "She quickly twisted around to break free, and there she was, face to face, with the murderer, Caleb." This is really when the whole story changes, and it was shocking to find out.
I think the tale's best quality was the plot. It was a really interesting story, and made me want to keep reading.
The only thing I might suggest would be to use more dialogue in the story. But I loved it and I thought it was really good!

Anonymous said...

Jess,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Oh and by the way your story was awesome i loved it. you should totally make it inot a book. Yuo had great description and really made me feel as if i was in the woods with Jamie.
Jamie (your main character) really changed throughout the story. Seh went camping knowing that she ahd too really great freinds that would alwasy be by her side. And left knowing but were dead and that Caleb was a cold blooded killer.
My favortie part of the story was when there was a scream in the middle of the night."Jamie woke to the sound of screaming. She ran out to see Caleb was jumping out of his tent, also awakened by the blood curdling scream. They ran to Allison’s tent to notice the tent’s front zipper was opened. She stopped and she stared into Caleb’s eyes. They knew something was terribly wrong. Caleb reached out to open the tent. His hands were shaking and shivers running across his skin as he slowly opened the tent. Caleb looked at Jamie as a tiny tear ran down her pale face."
I think your story was really good. i loved it!

Anonymous said...

Dear Jess,
This story was so full of suspense, and it was really fun to read. It kept me on my toes, and kept me guessing. So good job with that!
I do believe that the main character has changed through out this story. Not a massive change, a very subtle one. She goes from loving her two best friends, to realizing how much everything can change in a moment.
My one thing that I would have liked to heard more of, was alittle bit of the friends past. Like why would Caleb just decide to kill his two best friends before college? But other then that, there really wasn't much to work on. You had really great description, and mad me feel like I was walking in the woods with Jamie, and I felt her fear. Nice work, and LETS GO TONIGHT! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Anonymous said...

Jess.
Wow! Reading your story made me not want to stop! I was on the edge of the chair every second!
Yes I think the main character changed. From when she left to go camping with her BFF’s and then coming home all alone and knowing they were dead was terrible. You could tell with how you wrote that her mood changed and everything.
I didn’t have just one favorite part. I liked it all. You used a lot of description and you made it so that I wanted to keep on reading!
A piece of advice I would give is to just add a little more dialogue so that you knew how the other people were feeling more. Other than that…loved it.

Anonymous said...

Jessica, oh my gosh that was amazing. I really did not believe you when you said it was really good but i guess i should have. The main character goes from trusting her friends to not being able to trust anyone. My favorite part of the story was when she was left alone in the forest while Caleb was still out there.
My favorite line was "All of a sudden Jamie felt cold hands grasping on her fragile neck." I could totally picture that. I think you best quality was your desciption. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time. One thing i would advise you to do would be to just reread it for like spelling and word choice errors. Amazing job.

Anonymous said...

Jess,
Wow your story was really exciting, I loved it. I couldn't stop reading from beginning to end. I could picture the three friends camping. It reminded me of those horror movies that take place in the woods. Over the course of the story, the main character did change. In the beginning she was just on a trip with friends. But by the end, everything had changed, with one friend dead and the other a murderer. "It was dark. Jamie could barely see her hand in front of her face." The beginning is my favorite part because it really draws the reader into the story. The only thing I would have done differently is to add more dialogue, but it's a great story anyway!

Anonymous said...

Dear Jess,
Wow that story was good in a weird way. It was kind of a cliff hanger though. I would have liked to know what happened after that, but it did keep me in suspense the whole time. The main character thought she was just going on a camping trip, but her best friend dies, her other friend turns out to be a murderer and she kills him.
My favorite part of the story was where she was running and she thought he was right behind her, but it was just her imagination. It kept me in suspense and was a surprise. The best quality of the story was the description. By describing how creepy the setting was made it even creepier. Great story!

Anonymous said...

Jess,
Your story was really good. It kept me on the edge of my seat the entire time. There was so much description in the story. When Jamie was thinking that the murderer was Caleb i was thinking, NO, NO IT CANT BE! my favorite part of the story was "Her mind was running wild, filling with the fear of Caleb right behind her, chasing her with determination and anger. Jamie started to feel a hot breath on the crease of her neck. She turned around to see nothing was there, just thousands of trees and a world that seemed only full of darkness. Steams of tears ran down her face, but yet she knew she had survived a friend, a murderer. The one that promised her that Allison, him, and herself would be friends forever no matter what. It’s amazing how in a blink of an eye everything can change." This was my favorite part because Jamie was free and she wasn't killed by Caleb like her friend Allison was. My only advice for you is that your spelling and grammar is correct. Other than that great job jess!

Anonymous said...

Hey Jess!
I loved your story becuase it wa totally different from everyone elses! You did a terrific job describing how Jamie felt as she piced the clues together. I think Jamie changed a little throughout the story. I think now that she has expirienced having a friend that she thought she knew, turn out to be a totally different person, she has learned not to trust easily.
"Jamie started to feel a hot breath on the crease of her neck. She turned around to see nothing was there, just thousands of trees and a world that seemed only full of darkness. Steams of tears ran down her face, but yet she knew she had survived a friend, a murderer."
I loved this passage because it sounded very professional and well written. This is in the resolution when Jamie survives her tragic camping expierence. Overall I would say your story is fll of colorful description that paints clear images in the readers mind.
Really good job Jess I loved it!