Sunday, September 7, 2008

The Contender by Nick R

Alfred sat there on the bench in the damp locker room thinking to himself. Pondering about why it was so hard on him to win fights, why it made him so sick. The answer was probably inside him, yet he could not find it. Maybe it was the feeling of disabling another human being, feeling an opponents face on the opposite side of your glove. Although it was not clear, all he knew was, he wasn’t proud of fighting. Alfred, now stumbling to his feet, really began to realize that the mentality that a man needs to succeed in boxing needs to be violent and focused.



Walking out into the dampened streets of Harlem , a slight breeze ran across his skin. The air felt nice to a guy that had previously been stuffed up in a small locker room.



Starting to jog home, he remembered a conversation that he had a few days ago with his cousin Ender Wiggin.



“Listen Al,” Ender said, “Fighting isn’t the best thing for you, I can tell, you just don’t have it!”



“I do have it!” Alfred insisted; “I have more drive then any of the saps in here, I know I can be a contender! I know it!” Ender is the kind of kid who obviously has passion about what he does, and respects others passions as well. “Alright kid, if you say so, just don’t push it too far, ok man?” Ender seemed to be concerned. “Yeah couz, I’ll be careful. Only thing about this boxin’ thing is, training is really hard!” Alfred giggled as it came out of his mouth. Ender laughed a little too, and patted Alfred on the arm. “I got to be goin’ alright couz.”



“Yeah, sure Ender, I guess I will be seein’ you later huh?” Alfred said. “Yeah, take care.” Ender turned his back and walked up and around the corner store.



Just turning the corner on his jogging route, the sky over Harlem was turning a light shade of gray and drizzles of rain began to pitter-patter on the tops of cars. Alfred’s sweat pants were soaked from the shoe to the knee, but Alfred didn’t mind. The fact that it was raining, was almost a delight while he was running. The droplets from heaven cooled his skin and allowed him to run the distance home.



Alfred returned home and fell into his bed. “Alfred! Alfred! ALFRED!” The door swung open and there stood his mother, looking down upon Alfred without speech. “Hey mom, I’m going to bed, K.”



“Ok, night.” The door slowly closed shut, and Alfred closed his eyes. Inside Alfred’s head, thoughts rushed back and fourth, as tired as he was, sleep would not come. He sat upright in his bed, looking around his room, almost as if he was lost. Alfred knew that boxing wasn’t for him, but he had to see if it would be a possibility for him to be a contender. Now it didn’t matter, Alfred was determined, now matter how tired he was, he stood up from his comfort lacking bed, and went back to training.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

I. i really like this story. it is very amusing and i liked it. this story makes me want to read the contender book now because it seems from his story that it is a really good book.
II. i really think that the conversation between the two characters was very good. it was a work of art the way that he took 2 completly different characters and made them seem like they have been best friends for the longest time.
III. My favorite part of the story was when Al was thinking about the conversation that he had had with Ender.
IV. i did not find anything really that was problamatic or that strayed from the main idea of the book. overall it was a really good story.
V. one piece of advice that i would give him is to make it a lil bit longer. it was really good. but the length was the only problem.

Anonymous said...

I. I thought that the story was very good and well developed. One thing that I remember from the story is that Alfred was very confident in training to be a boxer. Alfred trained to be a boxer even when he wanted to lay down on his bed. An image that I see was when Ender was talking to Alfred about boxing and if it was what Alfred really wanted to do or not. I really liked the story.

II. I believe that the conversation between the two characters was pretty authentic. The characters seemed real because when Alfred and Ender were talking they talked like two real people would sound like in real life. They talked slang like real people do. It felt like I was part of the conversation.

III. My favorite part of the story is when Alfred decided to train for boxing instead of going to sleep in his bed."Alfred could not go to sleep and he knew that he should train instead." It stood out to me because I know what it feels like to be in that situation and in the end it feels good. That is why it was my favorite part of the story.

IV. One thing that I thought was problamatic was how the author used some boring verbs. The author did use some very good and descriptive adjectives that fit well in the story. I also think that the author could of used some more dialogue in certain parts of the story. Other than that it was a great story with little errors.

V. I think that you should try puting some more dialogue in your story. You should also try to have the two characters talk a little more in the future. Maybe you could make the story longer too because I really wanted to read more.

Anonymous said...

I really like this story and I thought it had great dialog and great descriptions. What I remember from this story was that Alfred calls up his cousin Ender and talks to him and Ender thinks that Alfred should quit Boxing but Alfred doesn't listen to his advice. When I read this I can picture Alfred running through the park in the mornings. I can not picture Ender because I did not read Enders Game and I really didn't hear a lot of descriptions about him in this story. The story made me think of the book The Contender and Alfred Training.
The conversation in this story seemed realistic to me because it talks about some actual stuff that happened in the book The Contender. The dialog also flowed nicely and sounded good. When Alfred talks to Ender about what he's been doing he uses specific stuff that actually happens in the book.
My favorite line from the story was, “Maybe it was the feeling of disabling another human being, feeling an opponents face on the opposite side of your glove.” I really liked that line because I can understand what he means by it and it is also a very descriptive line that really stands out to me. So in a way I can relate to this line, not by experience but by feeling.
There were not really any boring verbs or any misuses or problem that stood out to me but one thing that maybe you should of done is describe Ender better because I never read the book and I cannot picture what he is like.
The same thing I just said would be something to consider for future writing, to describe the Characters better. But you did do a very good job at describing everything else.

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