Sunday, September 7, 2008

Cousins Reunited by Eric P

Alfred came out of his apartment and went in the park across the street. He did
his jog around the park like he did when he was training to be a boxer. He
filled his lungs with the cool fresh air. He passed the two cops sitting in the
bushes like he does everyday. Alfred noticed a kid that was sitting under a
tree. Alfred had never seen the young boy in the park before. Alfred asked the
boy what is name was. The boy responded, “My name is Dave Pelzer”. Alfred was
astonished.” You’re my cousin,” Alfred said.

“What are you doing in Harlem?" Alfred asked.

"My family moved here last summer," Dave said.

Alfred's mom had told him that he had a cousin named Dave
Pelzer but Alfred had never seen him.” What is going on in your life?" David asked.

"I have become a boxer," Alfred said.

Alfred has been working out at Donatelli's gym. Nothing fun or exciting was happening in David's life. David's life has been horrible. His mom gives him beatings daily for him being a "bad boy”.” What are
those bruises from?" Alfred asked.

“I fell of my bike," David said.

Alfred
knew that David was being abused by his mom though.
David ended up telling Alfred the truth about his bruises. David also told Alfred
about the horrible games that his mom would play with him. Alfred felt really bad
for David. Alfred hated to hear about the gas chamber game that David received
almost daily.

.” Does your mom feed you?" Alfred asked.

” No, my mom usually never feeds me," David said.

” If my mom does give me the luxury of food, it is scraps that my dogs would not even eat.

” Are you hungry now?" Alfred asked.

"Yaw," David said.

Alfred spotted a hot dog vender across the street. Alfred and
David got a couple hot dogs each. They headed back to the park to talk some
more, and to eat their delicious hot dogs.

David and Alfred sat under a big green tree that was swaying back and fourth
from the wind. It was a beautiful day outside. There was not a cloud in the sky.
The park seemed even bigger since there were not as many people anymore.

"What is your life like?" David asked.

” It is pretty good," Alfred said.

” The bad part is that I would sometimes get beat up by this bully named Major.

After that fight he started training to be a boxer. Alfred told David how he had to start to eat
healthy and wake up early and go jogging in the morning. Alfred told him how
he wanted to quit sometimes because of the hard workouts he had to do.

"I like boxing so much that the grueling workouts were worth it,” Alfred said.

"Did you ever go on vacation?" Alfred asked.

” My family and I use to go to the Russian River.” We would go there to camp, swim in the lake, and have fun,” as a family," David said.

” My mom was actually nice to me then too," David said.

David told Alfred how the Russian River was his favorite place in the world.
He said his mom and dad would take them to the water slides and the lake to
have fun. David said that at night they would make a fire and his mom would
put her arms around him and tell him how much she loved him. Alfred felt so
bad for David. Alfred goes to his apartment and asks his mom if it would be
alright if they could help David to find a foster home for him. Alfred and his
mom said that they will try to help David as much as they can.
Alfred and David walk back to Alfred's place to eat dinner. Both of them walk
across the street when the sun is setting below the horizon. Alfred keeps on
talking about how David will beagle to live a better life now.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I. This story is really sad. i think that it is sad the way that you put it.like he almost never eats. i think that it is so mean of his mom to do that to him. the worse part is that his mom used to love him. now she tortures and starves him. i wonder what happened to her that made her start to do all that bad stuff to him.
II. I think that the conversation between the two characters was very good. it seemed like it was really going on right in front of my eyes. it was also very good because he added how Alfred was so sad for dave. i mean who could not be sad for a kid with a mom like that.
III. i really liked the ending. it made me so happy that Alfred was gonna try to help his cousin out to get away from his evil mother. that to me was the best part and the happiest throughout the whole entire story.
IV. i did not really find anything that was a problem in the essay. it was all on topic, none of it strayed from the main idea. overall it was a very good story and i liked it a whole lot.
V. Next time i would probably make it a little bit longer. it was good in the quality of the story but not so much the length. besides that it was all good.

Anonymous said...

I. I feel pretty bad for Dave, being abused by a parent has got to be pretty hard on you. Not eating is even harder. This story really leaves me with the feeling of pity for Dave, but also the kindness and light in the world because of Alfred. I remember when Dave said that he fell off his bike. This really left me feeling that Dave couldn't trust anyone in the begining. I can see Dave getting a hot dog perfectly, it was awful kind of Alfred to buy one for him. When I think back to the hot dogs, it lets me see the light in the darkness, and their is good in most people. This story really made me think about the morals of life and how others sould be treated in comparison to yourself.

II. The dialog seemed semi- authentic, it just seems like alfred kind of rushed his speaking parts. The details according to Alfred's concern and Dave's not caring towards the bruises. You could of probably slowed Dave's lines a little.

III. My favorite part of the story was when lfed bought some hot dogs, I thought it was an inspiring moment. The quote, "If my mom does give me the luxury of food, it is scraps that my dogs would not even eat." really shows the horrible treatment of his homelife. Some peopel might be able to relate to feeling down in the gutter.

IV. One thing that I found problematic was that you used "said" and "asked" too much. That and you repeated the name alfred to many times in the begining. This is the place where readers need the perfection of adjectives.

V. Next time, I would Include more information about the setting. We know thta it is in Harlem from your story. Try to work on expanding.

Anonymous said...

Eric,
I. I enjoyed this story a lot because Alfred promises to help David in his tough household with his abusive mother. I can picture the opening paragraph easily by the detail he uses and the way he describes Alfred going on his daily jog. The story made me think of when Alfred was training to be a boxer when he ran through the park, except this time he meets up with his cousin in the park.

II. I thought the dialogue between David and Alfred was very authentic. Since the two characters had supposedly not seen each other in a very long time, they were talking about their lifestyles and new interests which are realistic. I don’t think I would change any dialogue in this story.

III. My favorite part of the story is when David talks about when his mother used to be good to him. “David said that at night they would make a fire and his mom would put her arms around him and tell him how much she loved him.” This part stood out to me the most because it shows that David looks at the positive side of things.
IV. The only thing in this essay that I found problematic was the coincidence that Alfred and David hardly knew each other and then Alfred reunites with him by greeting him in the park and he happens to be his cousin. I thought that coincidence was a little too unrealistic.

V. I wouldn’t change much because I didn’t find too many mistakes in grammar. However, like I mentioned before I would consider probably changing how Alfred and David reunite in the beginning. Overall, I thought you did a great job on this!