David had just got to the foster home where he found his Aunt Pearl, from Harlem, New York, waiting for him at the doors. She was his father's sister but talked mostly every day and stayed in touch. She knew what was going on between David and his mother and hoped she could help.
David was all bruised and had cuts all over his body, his clothes were all ripped and torn from head to toe and as he walked you could see his big toe coming out of the top of his shoe.
"David," said the police officer, "you will be living with your Aunt for the time being, unless she chooses to adopt you. David, your mother will not bother you any more, we cannot allow that, we know how bad she hurt you, and you can't live like that anymore. Perl.."
A second after the police officer called Aunt Perl over, he was already in her arms. David loved Aunt Perl and couldn't wait to live with her, the twins and Alfred. But thought it would be different living in a colored surrounding. I could get used to this, though.
The drive to Harlem took forever. He was excited and yet afraid for his new life. How would Alfred feel? He hadn't seen the kid in forever. How would school go? David thought all this the whole ride there, when finally they pulled up to the house with three kids sitting on the stoop. David hoped out of the car.
"My man David," said Alfred walking over with a huge welcoming smile, "I was pretty excited when I found out you were coming to live with us. I need another man in the house. How you been, you don't look so well."
"Yeah, life at home was pretty bad, I'm happy to be here." Said David
"Say, Aunt Perl, can you make me and David some of your famous chicken, I bet he'd love some of that right now, we otta get a little meat in the kids body." said Alfred running up the stoop stairs with David's bags.
David followed Alfred up the steps into Alfred's room. Alfred was about 4 years older then David. He was tall, skinny, and looked like her had some savvier bruises on his body. Alfred sat on the bed and watched David as he unpacked his things.
"Hey Alfred, what happened to your eye?" questioned David.
"Well I was a fighter, but not like street fight, I was a boxer. I fought for a man named Mr. Donatello, REAL tough guy. Made me run every morning at like 5:30, then go back to the gym and work out. If I were you I would never become a boxer, real tough work, but personally I enjoyed it. And this black eye, yeah, got that in my last match. I was 2 for 2, but then I got a real beating at this last match. Mr. Donatello made me quit boxing because he thought I wasn't good enough."
“That’s pretty harsh,” said David “If I knew how to box, I wouldn’t let my mom treat me the way she did!”
“I hear ya, little man, I hear ya. Don’t let it get to you though; she’s long gone and hopefully never coming back. Hopefully Aunt Perl will adopt you and you’ll live with me and I’ll train you to become a fighter, I’ll take you to the gym and everything,” said Alfred.
His words helped touched David. He’s never had this feeling for along time. But yet, he wasn’t sure what the feeling was. Was it happiness? Was it joy?
A few months passed and David hadn’t found a true adopter yet, until one day as Alfred was out working and the twins were at school, Aunt Perl sat David down to talk. She set out a nice piece of ham, scrambled eggs, a side of toast and a glass of orange juice. She sat down with papers and smiled at him.
“David, do you know what these papers are?” she asked.
“No Mam`.” He said
“Well David these are your adoption papers, I called the Foster home and I’m willing to adopt you. You’ve been getting along great with the family, and Alfred needs a man around the house. So I have considered signing your papers and adopting you. David, I think you found your new home!” David just sat there smiling, he was shocked. Did Aunt Perl really mean it; did he really find a new home? He back out of his seat and ran to Aunt Perl and wrapped his arms around her.
“Do you really mean it, is this really my new home?” asked David.
“You bet, sweetheart,” said Aunt Perl.
All of a sudden, Alfred walked through the door. He saw David crying with happiness and Aunt Perl with the papers.
“What’s going on?” asked Alfred as David ran running to him with a hug.
“Guess whose moving in Alfred, I’m staying. Aunt Perl adopted me!” David shouted with an enormous smile and tears running down his eyes.
“Well looks like were gunna start training tomorrow there David!” smirked Alfred.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Home Sweet Home by Abbey K
5:07 PM
Mr. B-G
4 comments:
Abbey K -
Overall I really liked the story. I remember reading "A Child Called It," and a lot of the things you mentioned in your story, happened in the book, which obviously means you read the book. In my mind I pictured exactly what you wrote. A family living in Harlem with David visiting his Aunt Pearl, waiting to be adopted, and also glad to be away from his mother. The story made me think back to the book and David, and it made me go back and remember all the terrible things his mother put him through.
The conversation between the two characters definitely seemed real. The conversations between David and Alfred seemed especially real. It seemed like a real conversation I would have with my cousin, minus the tragic past though.
My favorite part of the story is when Aunt Perl decides to adopt David.“Well David these are your adoption papers, I called the foster home and I’m willing to adopt you." This line really stood out to me because I thought it was a really nice ending for David after all the horrible things he went through. He didn't have the greatest family, but now with Aunt Perl adopting David, he will finally be able to have a long, healthy life with a good family.
One thing I found problematic about the essay was this sentence:“David, do you know what these papers are?” she asked. The S in she should be capitalized after a question mark.
All in all this story was very good, a few things you might want to work on would be punctuation and capitalization. Over than that you writing flows very smoothly.
Luis Agrait
In the story the beginning with his moving in was cruel. I felt bad for David because all he went threw. I remember when the police officer said no one should put up with that abuse. I see all the cuts and bruises on David and his toe out of his shoe. This reminds me of how bad child abuse is.
The conversation seemed very authentic to me. the characters seemed mostly natural just sometimes it seemed like David said some things people wouldn’t say. the dialogue was really good in my prospective.
My favorite part was when he came to the house so he knows he is safe. The line I liked was "David was all bruised and had cuts all over his body, his clothes were all ripped and torn from head to toe and as he walked you could see his big toe coming out of the top of his shoe." I liked this part because it has so much detail and descriptive words.
one thing that distracted me was that Aunt Pearl was spelt as Aunt Perl. the words were used right in this story and made sense. I think when you are writing spread out the ideas because they seem all accumulated.
In the future just spread out the ideas. Also make sure you spell the words right of people. i like it very much thought it was pretty good.
Abbey,
I. I really enjoyed reading your story. It was a very good combination of plots between The Contender and A Child Called It. The title of the story is creative and it makes sense which is important. I can still picture the image of David in your second paragraph because of how much detail you used to describe him. I found that the story was similar to my story because David and Alfred are both interested in boxing. After reading this story, I felt happy for David because he had a new home and a better family that treated him right.
II. The character's dialogue seemed like very authentic. Specifically, the modern words in the conversations that Alfred and David used made them very real and natural. I liked the way the conversations were spread throughout the story and not combined into just a certain part of the story. I wouldn’t change any aspects of the dialogue.
III. Although many parts of the story were well done, my favorite part was when David found out that he was being adopted. “His words helped touched David. He’s never had this feeling for along time. But yet, he wasn’t sure what the feeling was. Was it happiness? Was it joy?” This part stood out to me the most because it truly reveals David’s character. This line shows how badly he was abused by his mother because he couldn’t even remember what the feeling of happiness or joy was.
IV. While reading this story, I did notice a few spelling mistakes. For example, I found that through most of the story Aunt Pearl was spelled Perl. I came upon a misused word where Alfred and David were being compared in age. However instead of using the word than, the word then was used which is a common mistake.
V. A piece of Advice would be to keep writing as well as you are but just spell check your work at the end. If you spell check when you are done, you will not have any grammar related mistakes. Overall, I thought you did a great job with your story.
I really liked this story. I clearly remember your description of David when he first arrived at Aunt Pearl's house. I could clearly picture how beat up he must of looked. It made me think about the relationship he must of had with his mother compared to his Aunt. after reading this story, i doubt Aunt Pearl would have done something like that to David. It also made me think about how grateful I am to have family where i don't have to worry about being in David's situation.
I think that David and Alfred's conversation seemed extremely authentic. I think that it seemed like a perfectly normal conversation between two cousins, given the circumstances.
'"My man David," said Alfred walking over with a huge welcoming smile, "I was pretty excited when I found out you were coming to live with us. I need another man in the house. How you been, you don't look so well."' is my favorite part. It really stands out to me because it makes alfred seem like he really cares about David.
One thing i found problematic about your essay was in the paragraph: 'But thought it would be different living in a colored surrounding. I could get used to this, though.
The drive to Harlem took forever. He was excited and yet afraid for his new life. How would Alfred feel? He hadn't seen the kid in forever. How would school go? David thought all this the whole ride there, when finally they pulled up to the house with three kids sitting on the stoop. David hoped out of the car.' you mentioned his adjustment to living in a different neighborhood and a new school. however, you never really followed up on those questions. They just seemed kind of out of place with the story, since there was no other reference to them.
all and all, i thought this was a great essay. in the future, you may want to just double check your essay for relevance.
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