It was a warm Friday afternoon. Alfred was cleaning up the Epstein’s store in Harlem. He was just getting ready to close it for the day when he heard the door open. A thin, young boy walked into the store.
The boy stood just inside the door and appeared very shy.
“Can I help you?” said Alfred in a friendly tone.
“I’m looking for Mr. Donatelli’s gym,” said the boy in a timid voice.
Alfred was a regular at Donatelli’s gym. It was where the local boxers went to train and work out. Alfred figured the boy must have been meeting his older brother at the gym. Then, as he looked at the boy more closely, he noticed the cuts and bruises on the boy’s face. Could this young, frail child be a boxer, he wondered.
“Donatelli’s? I go there,” said Alfred. Alfred had a hard time trying to picture this young boy in the ring. “Are you a boxer,” the boy asked Alfred. “Yes I am,” replied Alfred. “Me too, I’ve never been to Donatelli’s though,” said the boy. Alfred was not sure if the boy was joking or not.
“I will tell you what, if you can wait 5 minutes until I finish closing up here, I will show you where Donatelli’s is,” said Alfred. “That would be great,” said the boy with a slight smile. Alfred looked at the boy, smiled and extended his hand. “My name is Alfred, what’s yours?” I’m David, said the boy shaking Alfred’s strong hand.
Alfred and Dave walked together to Donatelli’s gym.
“Hello kids!” Donatelli said.
“Hey can we train for now? Are you open,” asked Alfred.
“Sure. But I have to go to a fight later tonight at the Madison Square Garden with one of my boxers.”
After an hour or so Alfred and Dave had to leave.
“Do you want to come back to my house?” asked Alfred.
“I’m not sure, my mother might be expecting me.”
“But it’s only 7 o’ clock!”
“My mother’s a little strict. But I guess I could go over for a while” said Dave.
Alfred entered the house with Dave following behind. Once Aunt Pearl was introduced to Dave, she mentioned that supper was almost ready and that Dave was welcome to sit down and join them. As soon as they were seated, Aunt Pearl served them spaghetti and meatballs. Dave could not believe his eyes. He had never seen such a feast! Dave ate ravenously and he had many servings. As Alfred’s eyes began to wander about the dinner table, he looked down. He noticed that Dave’s legs were also badly bruised. There was something suspicious about this boy, but Alfred hadn’t been friendly with him long enough to ask him too much about his personal life. After dinner, they sat down on his couch and ate dessert. Dave was in awe. He never wanted to leave this place, but he knew in the back of his mind that he would have to come home to face his mother once again.
At the same time, Dave did not want to overstay his welcome. He thanked Alfred and Aunt Pearl repeatedly and then headed home dreading another encounter with his mother. At least this time, he had a full stomach and the memory of a good day to help him deal with what was yet to come.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Fighting for Survival by Connor S.
6:33 PM
Mr. B-G
5 comments:
I thought this story was very creative and it was interesting to read. I could picture it in my mind what it looked like and all the descriptions that you said. I thought the conversation between the two characters seemed realistic and that it could really happen in real life. I thought that you described David good with the cuts and bruises. My favorite line is “Dave ate ravenously and he had many servings.” I think that line is very descriptive and it describes David well too. I think that this story is very good and the only thing you could improve is maybe making it more exciting. Future advice to you would just be make it more exciting.
I. - This story was very interesting and the characters were well described. The images that come to my head were how thoughtful David must feel to have this experience once in his life. This story made me think a lot about how awful it must be for David to have to go through what he goes through now.
II. - I thought that you made the two characters very realistic and the setting went with the story. I liked how you made the characters help each other out so that the reader can see how thoughtful one another can be.
III. - The last sentence you wrote about David (which was, “At least this time, he had a full stomach and the memory of a good day to help him deal with what was yet to come”) makes the reader feel bad and scared for him. It made me think about what was next to come in his lifetime, but at least this time when he came home, he wouldn’t have to starve for another extra day.
IV. - The only way that you could make this story better is probably to use more excitement in the characters. Otherwise, I think this is a pretty good story. And it was also well thought out in the way you wrote it.
V. – Next time, you could probably put more description of the scenes you chose to put them in.
I thought this was a good story. I liked the wordy you used to describe certain parts. I can picture Dave being in awe at all the food and then being so sad to have to leave. It made me think that Alfred was a very generous and giving person to let Dave come into his home.
The dialog between the characters was very realistic. I liked how you spaced out the dialog so it wasn’t all in a big clump together. I wouldn't change the dialog at all.
My favorite line from the story was “He never wanted to leave this place, but he knew in the back of his mind that he would have to come home to face his mother once again." This was my favorite line because it gave insight to the plot of the book.
The only thing I would change would be to maybe add more detail to the story to let people who haven’t read the books to understand what the characters stories were about. If you were to do that I think it would make a great story even better!
After reading this story I feel sad for the little boy. With bruises on his face and legs he must be getting beaten outside the boxing ring and it sounds like by his mother. He dreads going home to her which is usually not a good sign. I still have the picture of a little boy standing in the doorway of the store, just standing and saying nothing. It’s sad how he does not have the courage to say anything and I wish that Alfred would have stepped in but he was right in thinking he had not known David for long enough.
I thought that the dialogue of the story was okay but the actions were a bit stretched. After meeting a person for one day not many people would invite them over for dinner. It just doesn’t seem natural to me. So if I were to suggest changing something I would suggest that even though it will completely change the course of the book.
“It was a warm Friday afternoon. Alfred was cleaning up the Epstein’s store in Harlem. He was just getting ready to close it for the day when he heard the door open. A thin, young boy walked into the store.” I really like this paragraph. The first sentence gives you a feeling of a day that is the perfect temperature and a day where everything just seems right. Somehow the adjective “warm” did that for me. It was a great way to open up the story. I can also picture a young man; alone, cleaning a shop humbly and turning to see a boy standing at the door. I believe this opening paragraph really sets up the rest of the story nicely and gives you a very nice picture of what’s happening to go off of.
One thing that didn’t appeal to me was how open Alfred was to the young boy. I’m not saying someone can’t be nice in today society but to bring a young beat up boy in like that seems like too much of a fairy tale. The author could make Alfred a little more cautious and a little more spectacle of the boy and the story would be much more life-like.
Next time this author writes a story I would suggest making the people a little meaner because no one will believe both an aunt and her nephew are nice enough to feed a boy they hardly know. It is just not reasonable.
I. I believe that this is an amazing work of literature. It left me with a hunger to read more. I really loved how his language picked me up and dropped me into another place and time. When I think of this piece, i see a little scrawny boy with cuts and bruises on his face. The idea that he did not want to overstay his welcome showed the fact that he was fairly humble in his life. This story really made me think about trying your hardest even though your body doesnt fit the description of what you need.
II. The characters seemed very authentic, when they talked, it sounded like a normal teenager of that time would sound like. The pauses and few words that they said to eachother made the connection between the characters seem distant but still caring.
His dialog was fine.
III. My favorite part of the story was when he said, " Dave ate ravenously and he had many servings." this really showed that dave was hungry and had gone through hard times.
IV. The only real thing that I found problematic in connor's essay was the amount of times he said, "said Dave" for example. I would try to change it up and use some different words then said, like exclaimed, shouted, whispered, just some simple adjectives.
V. Next time, I would try using some more descriptive adjectives. The language choice is what really helps identify the scene and it would be great to have some of that.
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