Sunday, September 7, 2008

Gemma's Life by Hannah R

BOOM! Rebecca was shocked to wake up and find herself in a bunkroom with other children on the planet Eros. She had the second bed next to the door. She looked up and turned around to see if there was anyone she could see that looked nice enough to help her. She did not see anyone that looked friendly. As she put her, beautiful, long red hair up in a ponytail, she pondered about what to do and where she was, one of the smallest boys in the room, also the boy in the first bed next to the door, came over to her as if right on queue to answer her questions.

“You look a little lost. Don’t worry. I was petrified when I came here too. My name’s Ender.”, the boy said.
“Ho, Ender. I’m Rebecca. Where am I? How did I get here?”
“Well, right now, you are on the planet Eros. We are in a training school preparing for battle against the buggers. You were chosen off the earth to come help serve in our army.”

Just then, a note was slipped under the door. Ender went to pick it up and read it. He brought it over to where Rebecca was still standing. She asked him what it was. He told her that it meant they had a battle.

“A battle?! What kind of battle?” said Rebecca.
“A battle against the Rat Army lead by Dink Meeker at 0900. Two hours away.”
“We actually have to fight another army!? Like in a war?”
“We are on Eros to prepare for actual battles. This battle is just against kids like us. We have never lost a battle but that’s what comes from all of our hard work. You’ve got a lot of training ahead of you to have the same skill as everyone else in this army.”
Rebecca was in awe. She could not actually believe what was going on. She thought it was a dream or something so she tried pinching herself to wake up. But to no avail, she was still at the battlefield. She went with the rest of the army to breakfast and then training before the battle began. Then they all had to put on giant white suits that looked like an astronaut. There was a gun in the belt of it. Rebecca was curious what it did, so she took it out and shot a laser! She pressed another button and it immediately froze her legs. She could not move. Ender came over and thawed her.

“I see you’re trying out your equipment. How do you like it so far?”
“I’m not! Last thing I remember before arriving in a bed on Eros this morning is that I was in Poland! I was searching for a castle. The castle. My grandmothers’ castle. She was a princess.”

Ender just decided to walk away. He thought that Rebecca was going crazy after just one day at the battle school. At some points, he had thought the same about himself. Rebecca chased after Ender. “Ender! I want to go back…back to Poland to find the castle of Ksiezniczka. I promised her I would. I have to keep my promise. I didn't even choose to come here! I want to go home!"

During the battle, Ender felt sympathy for Rebecca and told her just to wait outside for four minutes, like Bonzo had done to him. She did and then Ender told her to go straight for the enemy gate, so of course she listened and was praised after for this achievement on her first day at battle school. They went to lunch and while eating, Rebecca saw someone she thought looked familiar. She walked over and sat down at his table.

"Josef?," she said.
"Do I know you?," replied the boy.
"Josef Potocki! Do you remember me? Rebecca Berlin. You knew my Gemma,
Ksiezniczka."
"Ksiezniczka? That sounds familiar. Maybe I do know you?"

Just then, Ender came over to Becca and wanted to speak to her alone. "You are right. This is Josef Potocki. When we brought him to Eros, we erased his memories so that he would not be traumatized from another war. We would like it if you would not speak to him about anything you know about his past or your
grandmothers’."

After lunch, the Dragon army went back to their room. They were all having their own talks. Just then, a whole stack of notes is passed under the door; one for every child in the room. Ender passed them out and said that it meant they were all being promoted to Battle. In the final battle, many people were killed but as Josef looked around at
all the corpses, he saw one that seemed to be still moving.

"Rebecca!!!," he cried. He ran over to the pile of dead bodies and started to dig through until he found the beautiful, slim, girl with red hair and pale skin. He picked her up as a groom would do to his bride on their wedding day and carried her over to a
safe spot. He tried to revive the last breaths of her, but could not.
"Ender! Come, quick!," Josef called out in Ender's direction.
"What's the matter Josef?" He then looked down at the ground next to Josef and ran over quickly.

"Our best female warrior. What a shame to lose her."
"What do you mean!? She's not lost. You can help her. You can do anything. Help.," Josef said in a very serious tone.

Ender got down on his knees and tried to revive Becca. He finally tried breathing into her mouth. Suddenly, she gasped for air and could start to breath on her own. When she looked up and saw Ender standing above her, she smiled. "Thank you," were the only words she said. Their eyes met and Ender believed for that the first time in his life, he loved someone besides his sister, Valentine. "Just like Ksiezniczka.," whispered Potocki, who had started to remember things from his past. He helped Becca off of the ground and they walked away together. Since they had won the battle, the planet of Eros had become theirs.

Ender was chosen to be mayor of this new community and upon making his inaugural speech, he also proposed to Rebecca Berlin. They became married a year later. Upon settling on this new planet, Becca requested that Ender make a new law.

A rose bush was planted outside of every family's front door in honor of the sleeping Princess.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I like how you made it like the book except it happened with Rebecca. I also like that you made them make a law to have a rose bush on every houses lawn. To do this in honor of her grandmother is very nice.

I think the character’s dialogue was authentic. I could imagine both characters saying those words easily. You used the book very well to help you. You made the characters see really real.

My favorite part of the story is when Josef tried to save Rebecca and asked ender to help too. "What do you mean!? She's not lost. You can help her. You can do anything. Help.," Josef said in a very serious tone.” It stood out because Josef wasn’t willing to give up.

I found the use of periods, commas, quotation marks, question marks and exclamation marks a little to distracting. They appeared in places they weren’t needed. They also appeared in places multiple times.

You could have done a better job at indicating paragraphs. When a new character speaks it is a new paragraph. That is about it.

kwhelihan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
kwhelihan said...

After reading Gemma’s Life, by Hannah Rose, I feel like Hannah put a lot of thought into this story, and I can honestly say that it was worth reading. I remember Ender talking about Dink Meeker being the Commander of the Rat Army, and I also remembered how Bonzo had made Ender wait four minutes before entering on her first battle.

Overall, the conversations were believable, something that you could have expected from the book. Although, there were a few things that I don’t think Ender would have said, like the way he didn’t care about losing Becca at all. I don’t really think Ender was that heartless of a kid. But, other than that, it was all very real.

I liked the part at the very end where Becca and Ender made it a law for everyone to have rosebushes on their front lawns in honor the Sleeping Princess. “Upon settling on this new planet, Becca requested that Ender make a new law. A rosebush was planted outside every family’s front door in honor of the sleeping Princess.” I think that was very nice, and although I didn’t read Briar Rose, I can see that that is a very touching thing to do.

One thing I found problematic about the story was that there was very little use of verbs or adverbs throughout it, which made it hard for me to understand how people were feeling and how the scene was unfolding. That didn’t make it entirely confusing, but some more description could be very effective.

Next time I would give a little more description in the story so that it is not only easier to understand, but it would also be more interesting to read overall. For example, when you said, “Just then, Ender came over to Becca and wanted to speak to her alone,” perhaps you could have said something like, “Just then, Ender approached Becca and requested a private word with her.” Just something along those lines as a suggestion.